Wednesday, September 29, 2010


This has been one hell of a week. My mind has been pulled in every direction and exercised to its maximum. The human brain is a unique and remarkable organ but is there a limit to the amount of information it can process at one time? Is there really such a thing as a "brain overload?" That's what it feels like right now. My brain is crying out "give me a break!" but assignments and other various responsibilities will not let up. Sorry brain! Stop giving me a head ache so we can get through this!

It's amazing how much the body is also affected by attitude and the mental state of an individual. My head feels heavy and in turn my body is tired all over. But things are slowly coming together and getting done. Each assignment I turn in or errand that's completed lifts a little weight off of my shoulders. I think swimming would help me relax. The last time I went it was the most soothing experience I've had in a while.

Being submerged in the cool water felt fantastic. It physically cooled me off and any tension I had seemed to have washed away. I let the water flow over my hands as I swam, teasing the surface with my fingertips. The most rewarding part of my swim was just watching the calm surface of the water as I glided through it. It waved smoothly and passively. There were no waves crashing against each other, creating choppy and hectic designs. The gentle waves eased my own chaotic and disorganized thoughts. I was able to clear my mind and let go.

I may not have time to swim but I must persevere. I want to end this week as Mr. Jason Mraz would, saying "You fucking did it!"

Friday, September 24, 2010


There is no anger like the anger I possess against myself. It is the kind of anger that festers in my mind. Throughout the day negative thoughts dance around reminding me of my shortcomings, screw ups, failures, and dying dreams. There is no use turning to friends to help get this monkey off of my back. No amount of forgiveness or encouragement from them can life my spirits. If I wrong a friend, they can forgive me and I can feel better about the situation. When I wrong myself it is up to me to forgive myself and that is much more difficult. It is hard to reach that point when you think you do not deserve the forgiveness. "You are your own worst critic" in all its glory. 

I do not have the unyielding desire to remain angry at myself, to gather all the pity I can and boost my self esteem that way. It is more of a way for me to fit the punishment with the crime, although probably more harshly then others would allow. I hold myself to a pretty high standard. I believe I am a do-gooder by nature, my heart should always be in the right place, I constantly look out for others. So when I fail at my own commandments, it is disastrous.

What is worse is when someone unintentionally crosses my path. Anger is anger no matter who it is directed towards but that direction can change dramatically given the wrong place at the wrong time. So I try to isolate myself. Not necessarily by avoiding contact with my friends, although that would probably be a better alternative, but I sort of recede into my mind. A veil covers my ability to enjoy my surroundings because I do not feel like I deserve to be merry and entertain my friends. I just sit with a closed mind, trying to listen to the pleasant conversations of my friends while avoiding the discouraging voices in my head.

This kind of anger builds up and I always need a release. Problem is, I never know what that release may be.

Monday, September 20, 2010

A New Perspective

After careful consideration I feel that in order to fully and effectively express every part of my self I need to address both extreme sides of my mind and personality.

I began this journal with the prospect of exposing the meditative aspect of life and things around us. The idea stemmed from taking simple views of people, places, and attitudes and diving deeper into their meanings. I was inspired by Buddhists texts and outlooks on life and wanted to look within myself to find that same eye opening feeling and share what I discovered. I wanted this to be a place of calm, soothing words. A sanctuary of broad, global and earthly thoughts, away from personal quarrels and distress.

I am generally a patient and calm individual. I am always happy to lend an ear to those who need it and offer advice to overcome whatever troubles they may have. Helping others has always been a part of my life. Sometimes I find myself taking empathy to a whole new level, enveloping myself in the thoughts and feelings of someone who is going through physical or emotional turmoil. For me, it is the only true way to understand what is going on in another person's life and when I can finally offer my opinion.

For all my effort to be a patient, helpful and considerate person, I do succumb to a darker side. For as long as I remember I've had a terrible temper. My anger usually builds up from annoyances and frustrations that I tolerate throughout the days or weeks. How fast the rage builds depends on the magnitude of what I have to deal with. What sets me off the most comes from people. Inconsiderate people, rude people, ignorant people, liars, procrastinators, moochers and other forms of what I consider scum. My first reaction is to help some of these people but when they ignore my advice or the logic of the situation I take it very personally and it lights a spark of anger beneath me. And it only gets worse from there until I find a way to unleash it.

These resulting personality extremes comes from my very passionate nature. Passion is admirable but can also be dangerous. My attempt to appease only the heartwarming side of myself was in vain and, I feel, actually led me to lose my temper last week. I need an outlet for both but hopefully we will see more good than evil.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

New Age Grammer

I've noticed that I use the word "I" quite a bit. Obviously I use it to refer to myself, when I express feelings or thoughts on certain subjects that pertain to me, or just to talk about my day. Recently I've found this to most unappealing. I don't know why. I feel like I'm focusing too much on myself and what happens to me directly.
I need to branch out away from "I," from "me," from "myself" and move on to a bigger picture. It's going to be difficult to find a way to express myself without referring to said self as often.

I also want to shave off the word "maybe." Adding that word into a sentence with my opinion or thought makes it look like I'm uncertain about what is said. "Maybe" usually gets thrown in because I want to show the flexibility or openness of my opinion. Everyone is welcome to challenge my thoughts or support them in whatever respectful way they would like to. I don't need to insert that filler, the welcome gesture should be implied. Confidence needs to be instilled into my words.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

This is new

I'm trying something here. Something I've attempted before in various other online journals or blogs. I've gone through Xanga, Greatest Journal, Livejournal, and those websites that incorporated a space for you to fill with dreams and frustrations.

That's what mostly filled the online journals I kept during middle school and high school; dreams, boys, frustration, friends, backstabbers, loneliness, new music or a new year. But now, at 22, I feel like I should be at a higher level of sharing online. I know who I am as a person, I know what I believe in but welcome the opposition, I have deeper thoughts and feelings about everyday experiences.

I want to share my ideas and write little stories to everyone and no one. I want to vent, scream, accuse and cry only so I can look back to understand the emotion bursting from me and forgive myself or whatever caused such a strong, and most likely negative, reaction.

I want to be more in tune with my heritage and embrace the Thai culture and Buddhism more eagerly. There are plenty of books scattered around my room begging to be read and more importantly, interpreted. Unfortunately, they've mostly been half read, book marks or folded pages mark lack of time, commitment, or worse! Disinterest.

But all that will be delved into later and in greater detail. This will be a place for me to unleash raw emotion. This is new.