Friday, September 24, 2010

Relentless

There is no anger like the anger I possess against myself. It is the kind of anger that festers in my mind. Throughout the day negative thoughts dance around reminding me of my shortcomings, screw ups, failures, and dying dreams. There is no use turning to friends to help get this monkey off of my back. No amount of forgiveness or encouragement from them can life my spirits. If I wrong a friend, they can forgive me and I can feel better about the situation. When I wrong myself it is up to me to forgive myself and that is much more difficult. It is hard to reach that point when you think you do not deserve the forgiveness. "You are your own worst critic" in all its glory. 

I do not have the unyielding desire to remain angry at myself, to gather all the pity I can and boost my self esteem that way. It is more of a way for me to fit the punishment with the crime, although probably more harshly then others would allow. I hold myself to a pretty high standard. I believe I am a do-gooder by nature, my heart should always be in the right place, I constantly look out for others. So when I fail at my own commandments, it is disastrous.

What is worse is when someone unintentionally crosses my path. Anger is anger no matter who it is directed towards but that direction can change dramatically given the wrong place at the wrong time. So I try to isolate myself. Not necessarily by avoiding contact with my friends, although that would probably be a better alternative, but I sort of recede into my mind. A veil covers my ability to enjoy my surroundings because I do not feel like I deserve to be merry and entertain my friends. I just sit with a closed mind, trying to listen to the pleasant conversations of my friends while avoiding the discouraging voices in my head.

This kind of anger builds up and I always need a release. Problem is, I never know what that release may be.