I'm very lucky to have Joe. He has already had to put up with my temper several times but he still sticks around and I'm very thankful for that. The people I'm closest to know how hard it is to get along with me with I'm not in good spirits. They are also the only people who are generally exposed to this side of me because we are so close. I feel comfortable enough to be that open with these people but at the same time I should be careful. I'm sure I've driven and scared people away or made them wary. When you deal with someone who can seemingly become enraged in an instant you become uncertain in your own actions, actively trying to make sure you're not the one who sets them off. I don't want people to feel like they're walking on egg shells when they're around me.
When I get angry I have what I like to call "misdirected rage" because the person who ends up with the brunt of my aggression is usually not the person who initiated my anger to begin with. There is never just one person who can piss me off so much that I end up yelling at them. The situation is usually a collaboration of all my negative thoughts throughout the day or week and I become snippy. Then, just one person gets in the way and it's all on them. I always feel terrible and embarrassed that it happens that way and I actively try to keep it from happening, but sometimes my temper gets away from me. It's a frustrating vicious cycle.
Like I said, I'm very, very lucky to have Joe. He puts up with me for some reason. I always apologize profusely after I've been unfair to him because I'm always afraid my silly temper tantrums are chipping away at his patience. That's another frustrating part, I *know* that my anger and temper and frustrations stem from things that are essentially silly and don't matter. But I still get hot headed and stubborn when those things arise. Joe tries to comfort me, he doesn't know how but he always tries. I'm thankful for him.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Morning
Everyday during the week my boyfriend has an alarm that goes off at 5:45AM. That doesn't mean he necessarily gets out of bed at that time but I'm up and commence snuggling until he pulls away to get dressed for work. It's never bothered me to wake up that early but I do feel sorry for Joe. He's definitely not a morning person and isn't exactly awake until his first sip of hot coffee from work. It's funny to watch him amble around the kitchen like a zombie, making his lunch for the day, and then finally sitting down for a bit before he has to head out to the bus.
I've genuinely been an early riser, mostly because my mom never let my sister and I sleep in past 10AM, but I do like the feeling of having the whole day ahead of me. There's something satisfying about looking at the clock and realizing it's only 8:45AM. I have all this time before I need to go to work at 2PM! It's refreshing knowing that I can sit here, check my email, apply for jobs, and I'm in no hurry. I could play a Dead Island or DJ Hero. I can pack a proper snack and lunch for work. I could workout at the apartment's gym and finish the dishes. The possibilities are endless!
I like watching the day brighten as the sun rises in the east. I like watching the local morning news or have a breakfast that isn't actually lunch because it's already past noon. My day doesn't feel like it's already over before it's even begun.
Look out world! I'm here to seize the day!
I've genuinely been an early riser, mostly because my mom never let my sister and I sleep in past 10AM, but I do like the feeling of having the whole day ahead of me. There's something satisfying about looking at the clock and realizing it's only 8:45AM. I have all this time before I need to go to work at 2PM! It's refreshing knowing that I can sit here, check my email, apply for jobs, and I'm in no hurry. I could play a Dead Island or DJ Hero. I can pack a proper snack and lunch for work. I could workout at the apartment's gym and finish the dishes. The possibilities are endless!
I like watching the day brighten as the sun rises in the east. I like watching the local morning news or have a breakfast that isn't actually lunch because it's already past noon. My day doesn't feel like it's already over before it's even begun.
Look out world! I'm here to seize the day!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Learning
I'm learning more about myself as I try to stick to my 2012 New Year's Resolution.
I've failed to adhere to my new life rule already! Yesterday I got snippy with my sister and her boyfriend because, to me, they made silly decisions that got themselves lost and subsequently led to our having dinner at almost 11PM. They had missed a turn trying to get to the local grocer and in my mind the solution to turn around was a simple one. It baffled me how long it took them to find their way back and the adventure they went on. My comments were only critical instead of sympathetic and my mind's main goal was to make them feel bad about their predicament. I didn't realize how negative I was until after the fact. Later that night, while making dinner, I mustered up a quick apology in a small effort to salvage my criticism.
This morning it hit me. An embarrassing realization of myself emerged in my consciousness. I am terribly, horribly over critical of everything, including myself! I always knew that I could be too hard on myself but now that negative attitude and intolerance of mistakes is seeping out and affective the people around me. I have to be careful or I'll really hurt someone and lose them forever.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
2012
I actually have a New Year's resolution that I plan to stick to this year.
Lately, I noticed I had been increasingly negative towards almost everything. Any little thing that was out of place or that wasn't done the way I preferred things to be done, would set me off in an instant. My reactions mostly consisted of snarky remarks followed by a quick temper. I got no satisfaction from it, just embarrassment and the inability to apologize. My boyfriend was the only exception I made. If I even hinted at being short with him I made sure to apologize profusely afterwards. I could always vent my frustrations to him since my anger seemed to stem from a build up of all the little things going wrong, backed by the big picture of disappointment I felt towards myself.
And then I realized I have so much to be happy about. The love of my life dropped everything he had and moved in with me, a girl he had been dating for merely four months. I get to hang out with my boyfriend/best friend almost all the time. I have a crappy job but at least I have some money coming in. I have the opportunity to get a better job. And I'm surrounded by good, new friends. Isn't that enough?
I also read a quote online that inspired me to take a more optimistic and friendlier outlook on life.
Lately, I noticed I had been increasingly negative towards almost everything. Any little thing that was out of place or that wasn't done the way I preferred things to be done, would set me off in an instant. My reactions mostly consisted of snarky remarks followed by a quick temper. I got no satisfaction from it, just embarrassment and the inability to apologize. My boyfriend was the only exception I made. If I even hinted at being short with him I made sure to apologize profusely afterwards. I could always vent my frustrations to him since my anger seemed to stem from a build up of all the little things going wrong, backed by the big picture of disappointment I felt towards myself.
And then I realized I have so much to be happy about. The love of my life dropped everything he had and moved in with me, a girl he had been dating for merely four months. I get to hang out with my boyfriend/best friend almost all the time. I have a crappy job but at least I have some money coming in. I have the opportunity to get a better job. And I'm surrounded by good, new friends. Isn't that enough?
I also read a quote online that inspired me to take a more optimistic and friendlier outlook on life.
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitudes. - Charles R. SwindollMy New Year's Resolution: No matter what happens around me I will try to look at the positive side of things. I will react positively and embrace the challenge or obstacle. I will appreciate what I have and try to give more. I will not succumb to my duality. Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Love
This one's sure to be a page turner!
In September, my sister and I decided to move to Denver, Colorado. She came here to further her educational endeavors at The University of Denver while I tagged along for the sake of moving out of our parents' house. I completed my program's curriculum in May, didn't have a proper job to keep me in Dallas and, at the time, didn't have any real emotional ties to anyone. Except for one person.
Now that I think about it he was one of the only one of my college friends I spoke with on a regular basis. Our frequent communication started during our last semester at UTA when we would spend hours in the library sending funny pictures to each other through email because I didn't want his girlfriend at the time to see on Facebook how often we really did talk to each other. I didn't want her to see how much more he and I had in common than she with him. I didn't want anyone to see how much I liked him, really. Eventually he broke up with that girl and our friendship was free to blossom without any judgement or ridicule from her. And then it turned into something it should have been for a long time. A relationship.
Our summer fling started while I was taking chemistry at the local community college. We had just graduated from UTA. He was tirelessly looking for a full time job that incorporated his degree as I made a valiant effort to get into physical therapy school. We chatted every night about funny pictures on Reddit, cute animals and occasionally video games. If it was late enough, the conversation would turn to troublesome encounters with single ladies. First he would talk about going out, meeting up with old high school friends, realize they were a bit too desperate, and trying to find a way out. I always told him I would drive out to get him if he ever found himself in a sticky situation, even if he was 45min in downtown Ft. Worth. I let him know I'd always be there for him.
Then one night he expressed how lonely he felt.
His openness caught me off guard and then tugged on my heart strings. Without hesitation I told him to come over and hang out. It didn't matter that he lived 40min away or that it was close to midnight. I couldn't leave him like that. I cared about him too much. We drank beer and went swimming. We drank enough to finally admit that we'd been eyeing each other for a while. I had been single for almost a year and joked my only obstacle had been the rebound girlfriend he picked up for 6 months whereas he had no excuse not to have pursued me.
How does this elaborate tangent fit in with the fact that I had decided to move to Colorado? Even though I had already committed to the decision to move 700 miles away with my sister and he finally found a good paying job, we decided we were good for each other and figured out a rough plan to be together. After a few months of saving up money from his new job, he was going to move to Colorado and live with us. It was a good plan but unfortunately it fell through.
After one month away from each other we couldn't stand being apart. Video chatting every night wasn't enough and he was starting to hate his job and the people around him. He decided four weeks of paid training was enough to move himself to Colorado and get him through a couple of months until he found a new job. It was a big risk but most definitely worth it.
Now, almost three months after he moved in, he's got a good job that he enjoys and coworkers he can be friends with. I'm happy. He's happy. We're happy.
In September, my sister and I decided to move to Denver, Colorado. She came here to further her educational endeavors at The University of Denver while I tagged along for the sake of moving out of our parents' house. I completed my program's curriculum in May, didn't have a proper job to keep me in Dallas and, at the time, didn't have any real emotional ties to anyone. Except for one person.
Now that I think about it he was one of the only one of my college friends I spoke with on a regular basis. Our frequent communication started during our last semester at UTA when we would spend hours in the library sending funny pictures to each other through email because I didn't want his girlfriend at the time to see on Facebook how often we really did talk to each other. I didn't want her to see how much more he and I had in common than she with him. I didn't want anyone to see how much I liked him, really. Eventually he broke up with that girl and our friendship was free to blossom without any judgement or ridicule from her. And then it turned into something it should have been for a long time. A relationship.
Our summer fling started while I was taking chemistry at the local community college. We had just graduated from UTA. He was tirelessly looking for a full time job that incorporated his degree as I made a valiant effort to get into physical therapy school. We chatted every night about funny pictures on Reddit, cute animals and occasionally video games. If it was late enough, the conversation would turn to troublesome encounters with single ladies. First he would talk about going out, meeting up with old high school friends, realize they were a bit too desperate, and trying to find a way out. I always told him I would drive out to get him if he ever found himself in a sticky situation, even if he was 45min in downtown Ft. Worth. I let him know I'd always be there for him.
Then one night he expressed how lonely he felt.
His openness caught me off guard and then tugged on my heart strings. Without hesitation I told him to come over and hang out. It didn't matter that he lived 40min away or that it was close to midnight. I couldn't leave him like that. I cared about him too much. We drank beer and went swimming. We drank enough to finally admit that we'd been eyeing each other for a while. I had been single for almost a year and joked my only obstacle had been the rebound girlfriend he picked up for 6 months whereas he had no excuse not to have pursued me.
How does this elaborate tangent fit in with the fact that I had decided to move to Colorado? Even though I had already committed to the decision to move 700 miles away with my sister and he finally found a good paying job, we decided we were good for each other and figured out a rough plan to be together. After a few months of saving up money from his new job, he was going to move to Colorado and live with us. It was a good plan but unfortunately it fell through.
After one month away from each other we couldn't stand being apart. Video chatting every night wasn't enough and he was starting to hate his job and the people around him. He decided four weeks of paid training was enough to move himself to Colorado and get him through a couple of months until he found a new job. It was a big risk but most definitely worth it.
Now, almost three months after he moved in, he's got a good job that he enjoys and coworkers he can be friends with. I'm happy. He's happy. We're happy.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Home
You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? -Garden State
For the past 2 years I have been living outside of the house I grew up in. After seeing this movie I thought I would feel the same way and have that same revelation. It was a feeling I dreaded. The family home is the most familiar place in your life. I didn't look forward to the day that I couldn't "go home" but I accepted is as a part of growing up. This had to happen.
I'm moving back home now because I'm done with school in Arlington. For some reason the past 6 months living in my apartment by myself felt very, very temporary. Maybe it was because I was by myself that I felt this way and didn't spend much time there throughout the semester. It was just a place for me to sleep and occasionally eat, but even the latter occurred outside of my apartment at least twice a week. But today, while driving to Wendy's with my sister, I looked around the familiar city streets and stores and felt at home.
I really felt comfortable and almost relief. So I suppose this house is still my home and I haven't grown out of it yet.
For the past 2 years I have been living outside of the house I grew up in. After seeing this movie I thought I would feel the same way and have that same revelation. It was a feeling I dreaded. The family home is the most familiar place in your life. I didn't look forward to the day that I couldn't "go home" but I accepted is as a part of growing up. This had to happen.
I'm moving back home now because I'm done with school in Arlington. For some reason the past 6 months living in my apartment by myself felt very, very temporary. Maybe it was because I was by myself that I felt this way and didn't spend much time there throughout the semester. It was just a place for me to sleep and occasionally eat, but even the latter occurred outside of my apartment at least twice a week. But today, while driving to Wendy's with my sister, I looked around the familiar city streets and stores and felt at home.
I really felt comfortable and almost relief. So I suppose this house is still my home and I haven't grown out of it yet.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Push
I feel like I'm in limbo. I'm sure I've had these thoughts or feelings before but they seem to be more prominent right now. School is almost over for the year and I'm that much closer to graduating (Spring 2011) but at the same time I don't feel like I've really accomplished anything. I'm still so unsure of my future and nothing is for certain far enough ahead for me to feel comfortable. I suppose this may also be the result of my lack of motivation to take those steps to setup a future for myself. At the same time I feel like I'm not worthy of success and don't see it coming my way. I continue to be a burden for my parents, asking for rent money and even more so since I'll be living by myself for my last semester at UTA.
A friend of mine is headed towards exciting adventures even before he graduates. He's been seeking out opportunities and was even offered one. I'm proud of him and believe he deserves everything he wants.And that's the difference between him and me, he takes initiative and paves a way for his future. I admire his gusto and wish I could ignite the same passion and will power within myself.
I'm too content with how things are. I want things to move along in my life but I feel like I'm in a rut. Mentally, my mind is tired of THIS and wants to move on, do greater things, change peoples' lives but I'm not taking that step. I've found that I'm great at pushing other people to take the step but I can't seem to give myself the same "I believe in you" speech. It's kind of funny and eternally frustrating.
I love my friends and wish them all the best. I do my best to make sure they get there. But I guess I'm forgetting about me.
A friend of mine is headed towards exciting adventures even before he graduates. He's been seeking out opportunities and was even offered one. I'm proud of him and believe he deserves everything he wants.And that's the difference between him and me, he takes initiative and paves a way for his future. I admire his gusto and wish I could ignite the same passion and will power within myself.
I'm too content with how things are. I want things to move along in my life but I feel like I'm in a rut. Mentally, my mind is tired of THIS and wants to move on, do greater things, change peoples' lives but I'm not taking that step. I've found that I'm great at pushing other people to take the step but I can't seem to give myself the same "I believe in you" speech. It's kind of funny and eternally frustrating.
I love my friends and wish them all the best. I do my best to make sure they get there. But I guess I'm forgetting about me.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Exhaustion
This has been one hell of a week. My mind has been pulled in every direction and exercised to its maximum. The human brain is a unique and remarkable organ but is there a limit to the amount of information it can process at one time? Is there really such a thing as a "brain overload?" That's what it feels like right now. My brain is crying out "give me a break!" but assignments and other various responsibilities will not let up. Sorry brain! Stop giving me a head ache so we can get through this!
It's amazing how much the body is also affected by attitude and the mental state of an individual. My head feels heavy and in turn my body is tired all over. But things are slowly coming together and getting done. Each assignment I turn in or errand that's completed lifts a little weight off of my shoulders. I think swimming would help me relax. The last time I went it was the most soothing experience I've had in a while.
Being submerged in the cool water felt fantastic. It physically cooled me off and any tension I had seemed to have washed away. I let the water flow over my hands as I swam, teasing the surface with my fingertips. The most rewarding part of my swim was just watching the calm surface of the water as I glided through it. It waved smoothly and passively. There were no waves crashing against each other, creating choppy and hectic designs. The gentle waves eased my own chaotic and disorganized thoughts. I was able to clear my mind and let go.
I may not have time to swim but I must persevere. I want to end this week as Mr. Jason Mraz would, saying "You fucking did it!"
It's amazing how much the body is also affected by attitude and the mental state of an individual. My head feels heavy and in turn my body is tired all over. But things are slowly coming together and getting done. Each assignment I turn in or errand that's completed lifts a little weight off of my shoulders. I think swimming would help me relax. The last time I went it was the most soothing experience I've had in a while.
Being submerged in the cool water felt fantastic. It physically cooled me off and any tension I had seemed to have washed away. I let the water flow over my hands as I swam, teasing the surface with my fingertips. The most rewarding part of my swim was just watching the calm surface of the water as I glided through it. It waved smoothly and passively. There were no waves crashing against each other, creating choppy and hectic designs. The gentle waves eased my own chaotic and disorganized thoughts. I was able to clear my mind and let go.
I may not have time to swim but I must persevere. I want to end this week as Mr. Jason Mraz would, saying "You fucking did it!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)