Pumped

Right now I am listening to the illustrious Ke$ha. I joke with my friends that I think she's "sticky" but damned if her music isn't super catchy.

This kind of music gets me pumped and I really need a big push right now. There are plenty of things around me that I need to accomplish but for some reason I either can't get off my ass to get it done or I half ass my efforts. My biggest hesitation is applying to school. Every time I look at that application is seems so daunting even though I'm aching to get back into school and learn some shit. I'll collect my transcripts and see if today is the day I finally get that shit together.

Another hurdle I keep tripping over is with tracking my food consumption and exercise. At the beginning of each week I'm pretty gung-ho about tracking my calories and running around Cheeseman Park as often as my legs (and bitchy knee) will let me. But then random things get in the way and I sit around long enough to change my mind. It's not even anything productive that gets in the way. It's frustrating.

I can't believe it's already August. I feel like I've already wasted half the year.

2013

Thank God it's almost the weekend.

We came back from visiting Texas with a gifts aplenty and a couple of colds. The cat made it both ways so at least part of the trip was a success. P.S. - I hate cough drops, as necessary as they are I can never get over the taste. I think I read somewhere that it is merely the act of sucking on something to keep your mouth moist that helps suppress coughs but what do I know.

Overall, going home was disappointing. I have never been more happy to be in my little apartment with the boyfriend and our own bed. The "just us" factor was nice, the not being ridiculed for every, single, little thing I did, and the lack of disappointment from the people around me. The end of 2012 was easily forgettable. I wanted my 25th birthday to be a big moment. I invited all the friends I thought were going to be in town (they replied to the invite as if they were going to be there). I was left with entertaining all of my sister's friends because she was getting her hair cut. The only people I wasn't disappointed by was a pair I knew from high school and if anything, I felt like my party was a let down. I should have just gone out to a bar.

So with the year anew I have dropped my expectation to everyone who doesn't put as much effort forth as I do. Their existence in my life will be deemed a waste of time and they will be forgotten as it seems I have been forgotten.

Starting off the New Year with the resolution to look down upon those who don't meet my expectations seems crass but I counter that by having a more positive outlook for myself. Just because most of the individuals around me cannot be counted on doesn't mean I still can't make a difference or that people as a whole aren't inherently good. I'm just choosing to not look as closely anymore because you will always find failure.

To the masses!

Learning

I'm learning more about myself as I try to stick to my 2012 New Year's Resolution.

I've failed to adhere to my new life rule already! Yesterday I got snippy with my sister and her boyfriend because, to me, they made silly decisions that got themselves lost and subsequently led to our having dinner at almost 11PM. They had missed a turn trying to get to the local grocer and in my mind the solution to turn around was a simple one. It baffled me how long it took them to find their way back and the adventure they went on. My comments were only critical instead of sympathetic and my mind's main goal was to make them feel bad about their predicament. I didn't realize how negative I was until after the fact. Later that night, while making dinner, I mustered up a quick apology in a small effort to salvage my criticism.

This morning it hit me. An embarrassing realization of myself emerged in my consciousness. I am terribly, horribly over critical of everything, including myself! I always knew that I could be too hard on myself but now that negative attitude and intolerance of mistakes is seeping out and affective the people around me. I have to be careful or I'll really hurt someone and lose them forever.