Reestablish

As I wandered around Target the other day looking for baby things for my friend's baby shower, I was ultimately drawn towards the office supplies section. They had so many pretty little journals and notebooks. I flipped through each one that interested me, judging how flexible the binding was so you could open it wide enough to write in it but it wouldn't destroy what held it together. I've tried spiral notebooks or journals but they've always felt too school-like. I obsessively held each one when I realized I've already got one at home that isn't even half way written through!

That's when I sat back and thought about how I should go about journaling and blogging in order to consistently use all the resources I've tapped into. I have a physical journal that sits under my bed side table that I want to use for more personal reflections of the going-ons in my life. RoosterTeeth is my go to for video game related thoughts. And I have decided to use this space to post more along the lines of opinions, movie reviews, and random craft project-like things I work on. It will be a more generalized approach that will exclude sob stories and the more deep, insightful, thoughts that cross my mind. I think that is what this blog has always been but I wanted to sort this all out in my head.

2013

Thank God it's almost the weekend.

We came back from visiting Texas with a gifts aplenty and a couple of colds. The cat made it both ways so at least part of the trip was a success. P.S. - I hate cough drops, as necessary as they are I can never get over the taste. I think I read somewhere that it is merely the act of sucking on something to keep your mouth moist that helps suppress coughs but what do I know.

Overall, going home was disappointing. I have never been more happy to be in my little apartment with the boyfriend and our own bed. The "just us" factor was nice, the not being ridiculed for every, single, little thing I did, and the lack of disappointment from the people around me. The end of 2012 was easily forgettable. I wanted my 25th birthday to be a big moment. I invited all the friends I thought were going to be in town (they replied to the invite as if they were going to be there). I was left with entertaining all of my sister's friends because she was getting her hair cut. The only people I wasn't disappointed by was a pair I knew from high school and if anything, I felt like my party was a let down. I should have just gone out to a bar.

So with the year anew I have dropped my expectation to everyone who doesn't put as much effort forth as I do. Their existence in my life will be deemed a waste of time and they will be forgotten as it seems I have been forgotten.

Starting off the New Year with the resolution to look down upon those who don't meet my expectations seems crass but I counter that by having a more positive outlook for myself. Just because most of the individuals around me cannot be counted on doesn't mean I still can't make a difference or that people as a whole aren't inherently good. I'm just choosing to not look as closely anymore because you will always find failure.

To the masses!

Learning

I'm learning more about myself as I try to stick to my 2012 New Year's Resolution.

I've failed to adhere to my new life rule already! Yesterday I got snippy with my sister and her boyfriend because, to me, they made silly decisions that got themselves lost and subsequently led to our having dinner at almost 11PM. They had missed a turn trying to get to the local grocer and in my mind the solution to turn around was a simple one. It baffled me how long it took them to find their way back and the adventure they went on. My comments were only critical instead of sympathetic and my mind's main goal was to make them feel bad about their predicament. I didn't realize how negative I was until after the fact. Later that night, while making dinner, I mustered up a quick apology in a small effort to salvage my criticism.

This morning it hit me. An embarrassing realization of myself emerged in my consciousness. I am terribly, horribly over critical of everything, including myself! I always knew that I could be too hard on myself but now that negative attitude and intolerance of mistakes is seeping out and affective the people around me. I have to be careful or I'll really hurt someone and lose them forever.

2012

I actually have a New Year's resolution that I plan to stick to this year.

Lately, I noticed I had been increasingly negative towards almost everything. Any little thing that was out of place or that wasn't done the way I preferred things to be done, would set me off in an instant. My reactions mostly consisted of snarky remarks followed by a quick temper. I got no satisfaction from it, just embarrassment and the inability to apologize. My boyfriend was the only exception I made. If I even hinted at being short with him I made sure to apologize profusely afterwards. I could always vent my frustrations to him since my anger seemed to stem from a build up of all the little things going wrong, backed by the big picture of disappointment I felt towards myself.

And then I realized I have so much to be happy about. The love of my life dropped everything he had and moved in with me, a girl he had been dating for merely four months. I get to hang out with my boyfriend/best friend almost all the time. I have a crappy job but at least I have some money coming in. I have the opportunity to get a better job. And I'm surrounded by good, new friends. Isn't that enough?

I also read a quote online that inspired me to take a more optimistic and friendlier outlook on life.

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitudes. - Charles R. Swindoll 

My New Year's Resolution: No matter what happens around me I will try to look at the positive side of things. I will react positively and embrace the challenge or obstacle. I will appreciate what I have and try to give more. I will not succumb to my duality. Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.