New Me New Year New You

As I was trudging along on the treadmill I was compelled to document my thoughts in a new way. I don't know why I decided to express this fleeting moment on video but I did. 

I don't know if this format will continue but I kind of hope it does. This could be a way for me to overcome some internet shyness, practice talking to a camera, and learn to not hate the sound of my voice. Some friends and I have toyed with the idea of a podcast or a Let's Play but nothing's come of it yet and I wonder if it's because we're all a bit Internet shy. Hopefully it won't become mundane or obligatory and only the most genuine moments will be captured.

Home Sweet Home

I look around our messy apartment, morning light shining through the windows, and I'm happy. This is happiness.

Another quick thought I jotted down and didn't get a chance to elaborate on. I really should find a better way to capture those precious thoughts that don't involve tweeting to an entire world of people who don't give a shit about what I'm thinking let alone actual happy thoughts. It's too bad that's the mentality of the world nowadays; the only news worth reporting is of pain and suffering while those who even dare chime in with positivity are written off as egotistical, self-centered, and unaware of the plight of others by those desperately hiding their jealousy.

But the memory holds up. I believe we were still in Uptown and the sun was streaming through the living room windows. The weekend mornings in our tiny apartment were always beautiful. I loved being able to have the doors open to the patio that overlooked the courtyard.

I could have an opportunity to become manager of my department but what's stopping me from jumping on that bandwagon is my lack of interest in the industry. I keep asking myself if what I do now or what I would like to do would result in helping someone. Not necessarily someone in need, just like helping them accomplish a goal or solve a problem. I find those to be the most satisfactory moments in my workday. I've applied to a few other positions at other companies but looking at those job descriptions it doesn't really look like they'll give me that particular sense of accomplishment I'm seeking. Sure, Joe says I'll be good at data analysis but would I enjoy doing something like that?

So if I can't really define what I want out of a job or what I want to do I might as well take the opportunity that's in front of me right?

Fool Me Twice

People were very disappointing this weekend. I don't know why I got my hopes up.

Honestly, I typed that up a few weeks ago and I can't recall which situation or people I was referring to because sadly, it happens more often than it should. Are my expectations too high? I don't think so. I feel like I'm a realistic enough person to understand circumstance but I think there should be a level of etiquette or politeness when it comes to shit. People just aren't considerate. I don't know how I ended up surrounded by so many people who can't look past their own noses.

Or maybe it's just the kind of thing that comes with age. Maybe it's the time in our lives where we're all looking out for ourselves first so we choose the most ideal situation that suits our need in that moment. I thought I had already shed the fake, shitty people in my life but it seems that I'm still in that process. Even recently I've found myself giving the same people the benefit of the doubt only to yield the same results as the last time they were involved.

Maybe it's up to me not have any sort of expectations of anyone. I should just do everything myself so I won't be disappointed by a lack of interest or commitment from third parties. But at the other hand, maybe it's unfair to ask the people around me to satisfy the same expectations I have for myself. I've been feeling a little left out lately, a small case of FOMO if you will (fear of missing out). It's not terrible since it lets me get my work done but I do end up bored and wonder what people are talking about on the afternoon walks of what I used to be a part.

I keep forgetting that when someone complains about something, they're not asking for advice.

Speak Up

I love when I'm talking to someone about something and expect a reply but they are obviously are put off by what I said they just ignore me instead and move onto the next thing.

Why does that happen to me so often? It just makes me not want to discuss things with people because everyone has the mouth to ask questions or have opinions but nobody has the balls to answer or defend whatever the hell they're talking about.

And so I begin my opinion sharing hiatus because nobody cared in the first place.

The one where I become Mrs. Williamson

Work has been a struggle lately. It doesn't help that I feel like someone I used to talk to several times a day is not ignoring me for some unknown reason. Well, to be honest, I have a hunch but the circumstance wasn't anything heinous enough to warrant total isolation. I'll chop it up to that person being particularly childish and seeing as they didn't quite get their way, they are trying to make some sort of statement and choosing "a side." As if there were sides to choose from in the adult world. But, to whatever makes them feel better, to feel in control of the situation, doesn't effect how I get through my day. Like I said, it's been a chore since the frequent chats helped the day go by more quickly but I can move on with one less childish person in my life.

Life, in the grand scheme of things, has been awesome lately. I married the love of my life and my best friend. The overall wedding experience was mostly stressful and all for show. People had their expectations and we fulfilled them the best we could. My dad even had a really nice speech prepared so if I got anything out of the ceremony, it was his heartfelt words. Of course I was excited to pledge my life and glory or whatever to Joe but it was really hard for me to get past the thought "what's the point of all this?" I would have been happy if we were just sitting on the couch and he asked

"Wanna be my wife?"
"K."

And that would be it! We'd go on like usual but I would have a new name. It was nice to have all the friends and family come down and celebrate. We got to see a lot of old friends we haven't seen since we left Ottawa and I'm grateful they were able to come. But I guess I'm just not a showy person, in any aspect at all ever. I don't like the attention. Thankfully, we were busy enough running around getting pictures with people that I didn't feel like the absolute center of attention but at the same time I felt bad for not having everyone involved with something all at once. It seemed like most people were just kind of sitting around and waiting for the next bit.

I'm a little disappointed in how the whole thing turned out but at the same time, I wasn't totally enthused with the idea and had no idea what I was doing in the first place. Maybe things would have been easier if I were one of those brides that demanded perfection. At least then I would have had a clearer vision of what I would have wanted for the wedding instead of looking back and thinking what we could have done better.

But it happened how it happened and hopefully the pictures turned out nice. Now I get to go through what has been described to me as the most difficult process known to man - changing my name. Several people have asked me if I planned on changing my name. I didn't realized I came off as the kind of person who wouldn't have but in this day and age maybe it's just polite not to assume you're taking your husband's name. I think I'll miss my maiden name but it's not like it'll be wiped from my memory.

In other domestic news, we used the butt-load of cash we received as wedding gifts for a brand new queen sized mattress! It will be delivered tomorrow along with a fancy headboard and two night stands to match. As much as I liked the close quarters of our full sized bed, with one fat cat in the middle and Joe's feet hanging off the edge, the upgrade will be nice. We'll even have a box spring!

The only thing I'm more excited about than this bed is the bookshelf we'll (hopefully) be getting soon so I can get all my books out of moving boxes. For living at Greenwood Park for almost two months, we've got most everything in its place. Now all we need to focus on is putting up our posters and art we've collected over the past few years. I have all these awesome Eslinger prints that haven't graced the walls of any apartment yet!

Useless

It's an awful feeling, not being able to help someone. Even someone you've never met before. Maybe not really help them but being there for them. It's frustrating when you want to be there for them in an awful time in their life and yet you have no idea what you're supposed to do. Or say. You're afraid of saying the wrong thing in an effort to lighten the mood. Maybe you shouldn't be lightening the mood. Maybe they want to let the darkness of their situation wash over them. Everybody's different. Everyone deals with tragedy differently. So how do you help someone you think you know but have never met?

The first example was a large scale community loss. Monty Oum of Rooster Teeth, more notably RWBY, died suddenly. In a bizarre, allergic reaction during a medical procedure. What are the odds? How paranoid am I now because up until this moment I was pretty sure I wasn't allergic to anything. I wonder if Monty thought the same thing. I watched the RT podcast and their small tribute at the end and it was heart breaking. They just kept talking about how much more he had to give. How much more he wanted to give. And that his motto was to always keep pushing forward.

I've been part of the RT community since before there was a formal community. I fell out of touch with the site until recently, when Burnie's tweet caught my eye - "Monty Oum hospitalized." I feel ashamed that was what brought me back to the site. But I knew the name and I wanted to know that everything was going to be okay. That someone, whom I have never met was going to be okay. For the people he was close to, some of whom I've met and others I wish I had, I didn't want them to lose their friend.

During their tribute podcast you could tell how hard it was for some of them. The way their voices cracked when they told stories or just the look on their faces as they revisited the idea of someone they knew just being gone. My heart ached for them. Is that empathy? I cried. Cried at the idea of someone who was so full of greatness wouldn't be able to share that anymore. Cried for his friends because I imagined how they must have felt. But how I can I feel so strongly towards people I hardly know when I've never even lost anyone that close to me?

---

Which bring me to my second example. The closest person I've lost was my paternal grandmother, and even then I wouldn't say we were that close. Sure we visited every few years, but that's it.She sent my sister and I checks for Christmas and so we'd call to thank her. She wasn't one for talking much and always insisted that she was bothering us and the conversations would be short. Then I got a call  from my mom, while I was studying with Zack, letting me know my grandma had died. It was upsetting but we had a test the next day and we just kept going. For me, the saddest part of my grandma's death is that she was probably alone.

Now a friend of mine has informed me that his grandmother has died. He was very, very close to his grandparents. The kind of kid who visited them every weekend during the summer and helped with the yard work while he was there. So this must have hit him hard. I can only speculate because we've only ever communicated through the internet. I've never met him in person and I've only "known" him for a year. It's hard enough to try to comfort someone you've only known for a year let alone technically have never met.

I like to think of myself as an empathetic person but I can never seem to find the right words. It never seems right to have any words. My heart can ache all it wants but it will never have the same exact experience as what he's feeling right now. And I don't know what hurts worse; the manifestation of what I feel his pain is or the fact that I can't alleviate it for him.

To an extent it's strange to want to help someone you've never met and only acquainted with through similar interests. I don't feel this strongly towards everyone I meet, in person or online, but I am very picky about my friends in the first place. He's earned that spot and therefore my undivided attention.

So I feel useless. You tell people you're there for them and that you'll do anything, provide anything they need. But sometimes, that person doesn't know or even want anything in the first place. So it's up to the empathizer, the friend, to "be there for them," whatever the hell that means. I usually just end up listening, if they're willing to talk. But I don't feel like it's enough.