Betting on Myself

Listening to: Loser by Jagwar Twin https://open.spotify.com/track/1dRaYeS22TQZ3jRLFfe7vM
Latest game played: Oxygen Not Included on Steam

I keep hearing that the month of January felt like several, that it should be October by now. I guess a lot has gone on in the world in just thirty-ish days or people just really want the that polar vortex to hurry up and move on. When I look back on my day to day in January, there has been some significant happenings, some deep reflections on the state of things that directly affect my life, and improvements that I wished I worked on more.

My goals for the New Year were to...

• Have a consistent workout schedule: This goal started out strong with me switching to workouts in the morning, roughly running to the gym at 6AM. I went everyday during the week for two weeks and then my period along with an annoying cold halted my fledgling consistency. I also learned that I wasn't drinking enough water to compensate the amount of working out I was doing and that led to some discomfort as well.
  
  I really enjoyed working out in the mornings. It was less busy and really jump started my day. Also getting up early freed up my after work time and that was really refreshing. I could spend time playing games or crocheting without fighting to get myself to the gym first. Or feeling bad after when I don't.
  
  With what I learned in the first month of pushing myself to go to the gym every morning for at least 30 minutes I'm going to modify the frequency while still pushing to improve every time.

• Record a food journal: This one had the best of intentions. I created a Google Sheet with a format I thought I'd prefer. I've tried other food tracking apps and always felt like the effort to record my food for the day was more of a nuisance than a benefit. Thankfully I put little notes of what we ate during the week in my physical planner so I can back track a bit to fill it out.
  
  I think we eat well enough but I'm curious to see if there are any patterns of which I need to be aware. My biggest hurdle has always been portion size and number of portions. I'm always too eager to go back for seconds or take those extra helpings of mashed potatoes or rice. It's hard because carbs are the tastiest things but I've trained myself to eat less before and I can do it again!

• Equally dividing up my hobby time: This one was a little more loose. It was a effort to wrangle all of my hobbies and successfully keep up with them by recording in my daily planner what hobby I focused on each day. It helped me visualize what I was spending more of my time on and what I may have neglected. I never held myself to a strict schedule, letting whole weeks be for video games or crocheting but ultimately the goal was to focus on a different hobby each day so nothing got left behind. I think it has helped and I'll continue with it.

• Find time for friends: This one was a little more difficult but I tried to set the bar low haha It was a matter of hanging out with a different friend each week. An effort to consciously keep in touch instead of only realizing how much time had passed since seeing that person. Everyone has busy lives and different schedules to consider but even just the notion of proposing a hang out that might fall through is better than silence.

So here's to trying new things and having some of them stick! What uncomfortable steps out of my comfort zone should I take next?

New Me New Year New You

As I was trudging along on the treadmill I was compelled to document my thoughts in a new way. I don't know why I decided to express this fleeting moment on video but I did. 

I don't know if this format will continue but I kind of hope it does. This could be a way for me to overcome some internet shyness, practice talking to a camera, and learn to not hate the sound of my voice. Some friends and I have toyed with the idea of a podcast or a Let's Play but nothing's come of it yet and I wonder if it's because we're all a bit Internet shy. Hopefully it won't become mundane or obligatory and only the most genuine moments will be captured.

Home Sweet Home

I look around our messy apartment, morning light shining through the windows, and I'm happy. This is happiness.

Another quick thought I jotted down and didn't get a chance to elaborate on. I really should find a better way to capture those precious thoughts that don't involve tweeting to an entire world of people who don't give a shit about what I'm thinking let alone actual happy thoughts. It's too bad that's the mentality of the world nowadays; the only news worth reporting is of pain and suffering while those who even dare chime in with positivity are written off as egotistical, self-centered, and unaware of the plight of others by those desperately hiding their jealousy.

But the memory holds up. I believe we were still in Uptown and the sun was streaming through the living room windows. The weekend mornings in our tiny apartment were always beautiful. I loved being able to have the doors open to the patio that overlooked the courtyard.

I could have an opportunity to become manager of my department but what's stopping me from jumping on that bandwagon is my lack of interest in the industry. I keep asking myself if what I do now or what I would like to do would result in helping someone. Not necessarily someone in need, just like helping them accomplish a goal or solve a problem. I find those to be the most satisfactory moments in my workday. I've applied to a few other positions at other companies but looking at those job descriptions it doesn't really look like they'll give me that particular sense of accomplishment I'm seeking. Sure, Joe says I'll be good at data analysis but would I enjoy doing something like that?

So if I can't really define what I want out of a job or what I want to do I might as well take the opportunity that's in front of me right?

Fool Me Twice

People were very disappointing this weekend. I don't know why I got my hopes up.

Honestly, I typed that up a few weeks ago and I can't recall which situation or people I was referring to because sadly, it happens more often than it should. Are my expectations too high? I don't think so. I feel like I'm a realistic enough person to understand circumstance but I think there should be a level of etiquette or politeness when it comes to shit. People just aren't considerate. I don't know how I ended up surrounded by so many people who can't look past their own noses.

Or maybe it's just the kind of thing that comes with age. Maybe it's the time in our lives where we're all looking out for ourselves first so we choose the most ideal situation that suits our need in that moment. I thought I had already shed the fake, shitty people in my life but it seems that I'm still in that process. Even recently I've found myself giving the same people the benefit of the doubt only to yield the same results as the last time they were involved.

Maybe it's up to me not have any sort of expectations of anyone. I should just do everything myself so I won't be disappointed by a lack of interest or commitment from third parties. But at the other hand, maybe it's unfair to ask the people around me to satisfy the same expectations I have for myself. I've been feeling a little left out lately, a small case of FOMO if you will (fear of missing out). It's not terrible since it lets me get my work done but I do end up bored and wonder what people are talking about on the afternoon walks of what I used to be a part.

I keep forgetting that when someone complains about something, they're not asking for advice.

Speak Up

I love when I'm talking to someone about something and expect a reply but they are obviously are put off by what I said they just ignore me instead and move onto the next thing.

Why does that happen to me so often? It just makes me not want to discuss things with people because everyone has the mouth to ask questions or have opinions but nobody has the balls to answer or defend whatever the hell they're talking about.

And so I begin my opinion sharing hiatus because nobody cared in the first place.

The one where I become Mrs. Williamson

Work has been a struggle lately. It doesn't help that I feel like someone I used to talk to several times a day is not ignoring me for some unknown reason. Well, to be honest, I have a hunch but the circumstance wasn't anything heinous enough to warrant total isolation. I'll chop it up to that person being particularly childish and seeing as they didn't quite get their way, they are trying to make some sort of statement and choosing "a side." As if there were sides to choose from in the adult world. But, to whatever makes them feel better, to feel in control of the situation, doesn't effect how I get through my day. Like I said, it's been a chore since the frequent chats helped the day go by more quickly but I can move on with one less childish person in my life.

Life, in the grand scheme of things, has been awesome lately. I married the love of my life and my best friend. The overall wedding experience was mostly stressful and all for show. People had their expectations and we fulfilled them the best we could. My dad even had a really nice speech prepared so if I got anything out of the ceremony, it was his heartfelt words. Of course I was excited to pledge my life and glory or whatever to Joe but it was really hard for me to get past the thought "what's the point of all this?" I would have been happy if we were just sitting on the couch and he asked

"Wanna be my wife?"
"K."

And that would be it! We'd go on like usual but I would have a new name. It was nice to have all the friends and family come down and celebrate. We got to see a lot of old friends we haven't seen since we left Ottawa and I'm grateful they were able to come. But I guess I'm just not a showy person, in any aspect at all ever. I don't like the attention. Thankfully, we were busy enough running around getting pictures with people that I didn't feel like the absolute center of attention but at the same time I felt bad for not having everyone involved with something all at once. It seemed like most people were just kind of sitting around and waiting for the next bit.

I'm a little disappointed in how the whole thing turned out but at the same time, I wasn't totally enthused with the idea and had no idea what I was doing in the first place. Maybe things would have been easier if I were one of those brides that demanded perfection. At least then I would have had a clearer vision of what I would have wanted for the wedding instead of looking back and thinking what we could have done better.

But it happened how it happened and hopefully the pictures turned out nice. Now I get to go through what has been described to me as the most difficult process known to man - changing my name. Several people have asked me if I planned on changing my name. I didn't realized I came off as the kind of person who wouldn't have but in this day and age maybe it's just polite not to assume you're taking your husband's name. I think I'll miss my maiden name but it's not like it'll be wiped from my memory.

In other domestic news, we used the butt-load of cash we received as wedding gifts for a brand new queen sized mattress! It will be delivered tomorrow along with a fancy headboard and two night stands to match. As much as I liked the close quarters of our full sized bed, with one fat cat in the middle and Joe's feet hanging off the edge, the upgrade will be nice. We'll even have a box spring!

The only thing I'm more excited about than this bed is the bookshelf we'll (hopefully) be getting soon so I can get all my books out of moving boxes. For living at Greenwood Park for almost two months, we've got most everything in its place. Now all we need to focus on is putting up our posters and art we've collected over the past few years. I have all these awesome Eslinger prints that haven't graced the walls of any apartment yet!