Wednesday, February 29, 2012


I'm very lucky to have Joe. He has already had to put up with my temper several times but he still sticks around and I'm very thankful for that. The people I'm closest to know how hard it is to get along with me with I'm not in good spirits. They are also the only people who are generally exposed to this side of me because we are so close. I feel comfortable enough to be that open with these people but at the same time I should be careful. I'm sure I've driven and scared people away or made them wary. When you deal with someone who can seemingly become enraged in an instant you become uncertain in your own actions, actively trying to make sure you're not the one who sets them off. I don't want people to feel like they're walking on egg shells when they're around me.

When I get angry I have what I like to call "misdirected rage" because the person who ends up with the brunt of my aggression is usually not the person who initiated my anger to begin with. There is never just one person who can piss me off so much that I end up yelling at them. The situation is usually a collaboration of all my negative thoughts throughout the day or week and I become snippy. Then, just one person gets in the way and it's all on them. I always feel terrible and embarrassed that it happens that way and I actively try to keep it from happening, but sometimes my temper gets away from me. It's a frustrating vicious cycle.

Like I said, I'm very, very lucky to have Joe. He puts up with me for some reason. I always apologize profusely after I've been unfair to him because I'm always afraid my silly temper tantrums are chipping away at his patience. That's another frustrating part, I *know* that my anger and temper and frustrations stem from things that are essentially silly and don't matter. But I still get hot headed and stubborn when those things arise. Joe tries to comfort me, he doesn't know how but he always tries. I'm thankful for him.